7 May 2020, 4:18 pm - In Which My Meds Get A Boost

I have always thought of my anxiety as a thing, an abstract being that likes to whisper what-ifs in my ear and poke at my legs until I eventually have to go on a run. I thought it was normal for a really, really long time to think in what-ifs, prep for every single disaster, feel guilt for no reason, and not sleep because of the what-ifs. It is not normal - but sometimes, I forget that, and I retreat into my mind and listen to the voice from the abstract being. That is when my anxiety has shifted from a thing to a place. I live in that place. I wrap myself up in the blankets woven from the what-if threads and hunker down into the darkness and just sit there. Physically, I might be doing something, like running or obsessively cleaning something, but most of the time, I’m just sitting in my headspace, unable to get out.

COVID-19 has upped my anxiety, as I am sure it has for everyone. A few people on Reddit claim that their anxiety disorder has actually prepared them for this, but I am not in that camp. As I noted in previous posts, my dreams have been weird. They are often on the verge of nightmare-ish. I wake up mid-panic attack more often than not. The inability to completely control my thoughts is a sort of mental apocalypse for me.

My partner, who deals with my anxiety like a knight in shining armor, holds me and comforts me and pulls me out of my headspace. He makes it known that I am loved, that my what-ifs are not worth entertaining beyond a minute, and that life will be okay. But I cannot rely solely on him to calm my anxiousness. We work together to manage symptoms, since my mood can affect us both, but sometimes it is not enough. As much as I like to be totally in control, it is worth taking daily medication and letting my will power just take a back seat.

I brought all of this up to my psychiatrist, who added Zoloft to my regimen (I take BusPirone daily), and Prazosin as-needed for nightmares. So far, they make me drowsy. Like, I-could-sleep-all-day drowsy. Which, I guess is the point, since I’m not sleeping? But it makes it damn hard to work on my final papers.