3 May 2020, 10:31 AM - In Which I Plan A Fake Wedding

During class on Thursday (April 30, if you’re keeping track of time), we discussed the traditions we tend to keep in times of great panic, like the apocalypse. In The Road, the Man tells the Boy about traditions they used to keep before the Boy and the apocalypse (McCarthy). In The Marrow Thieves, the youth try to make a resemblance of a sweat lodge, like their ancestors, and practice smudging to cleanse themselves (Dimaline 21-22). In Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep, the characters treat their faux animals as if they are real, to the point of taking them to “animal hospitals” to treat them when they mechanically fail (Dick 34). The point is, we cling to traditions to keep some semblance of normalcy in the face of panic and anxiety. Now, we are creating new traditions in light of COVID-19 and changing up some old traditions. One tradition American families have clung to is the traditional Western wedding - you know, white dress, bridesmaids and groomsmen, dancing receptions, etc.

We never wanted a big wedding. We always planned to elope. Luckily, this means we did not have to cancel any wedding plans. Even though we got legally married much earlier than expected, we are still planning a small vow ceremony with family present and photography session in the fall (perhaps next year, perhaps not, who knows). I feel for the brides I see on r/wedding and r/weddingsunder10k who are now scrambling to move their weddings as their venues become unavailable and their vendors shut their doors during the pandemic. So it inspired me to create a faux Weddings-in-the-Apocalypse planning guide. I am not a wedding planner but I do love event planning and humorous guides.

Planning a wedding during the Apocalypse: 

Do you have your wedding all planned? Have you spent months agonizing over the smallest of details? Are the deposits made for the venue, food, and photographer? How about every accessory that has The Date stamped, printed, or carved into it, are those done? Did an apocalyptic event come in and make you throw all of that out the window? I can imagine you’re now scrambling, trying to soothe your heartbreak over this special day and re-plan ALL of it for a later date, perhaps not the date you wanted. I’m here to give you some tips about planning a (Western, traditional) wedding during the apocalypse.

First, determine what type of apocalyptic event is happening – is it a pandemic or is it a nuclear war? Are there zombies? The type of event will require different preparations. This guide is specifically tailored to a pandemic.

Venue set-up

• Outdoors in a large area, or in a large auditorium that is extremely well-ventilated or outfitted with an air-filtration system

• You want the space to be large enough for people to sit at least 6 feet apart

Guest list

You’ll have to make some tough calls depending on your area’s restrictions:

• No large gatherings = less than 100 guests

  No gatherings of 50 people = cutting out those cousins you don’t really like, and those friends from high school you lost touch withasdf

• No gatherings of 10 people = just the wedding party: limit to 1 bridesmaid, 1 groomsman, the bride and groom, the officiant, and only the parents (9 total people). Unless you are in a state that recognizes self-solemnized unions, then you can cut out the officiant.

• Stay-in-place order = virtual wedding. Utilize Zoom backgrounds for romantic settings.

  • Potential Option: Porch wedding, with the officiant on video chat on a tablet or laptop, and the photographer in or across the street, and possible live streaming the ceremony to social media feeds. This option does require purchasing or borrowing tripods that can hold mobile devices.

Guest favors:

• Face Masks (preferably in your wedding colors)

• PocketBac (in scents that reflect the wedding theme)

• Latex-free gloves (complimentary to mask colors)

• If you have already bought favors that have your original date, but your wedding was canceled:

  • Send them anyway, with a note of the date change

  • Smash them with frustration. Film it, upload to Youtube.

Dinner and Reception:

• Buffets and servers should be avoided to minimize risk (this means everyone might have to bring their own food)

  • Order food from local restaurants to support the businesses

  • Also, avoid large table seatings. People who live together should sit together and all others should be at least 6 ft apart.

• Gifts should by sprayed with Lysol before they’re set on the gift table

  • Ask for people to order off the registry and deliver straight to your home

  • For cards, ask guests to mail them to support the USPS

  • Ask for non-physical gifts, like experiences

    • Gift certificates to restaurants, theaters, etc. to use once life has resumed some normalcy

    • Ask for guests to donate to a cause you and your spouse are passionate bout

    • Suggest donations to your “honey fund” - money towards a honeymoon rather than a gift

    • Ask for no gifts - it is a stressful, trying time and money can be tight for your guests! They’ll appreciate a thoughtful couple.

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Works Cited:

Dick, Philip K. Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep. 1968.

Dimaline, Cherie. The Marrow Thieves. Cormorant Books Inc., 2017.

McCarthy, Cormac. The Road. Vintage Books, 2006.